Kinda sorta European update

Here I am in Europe. I keep telling myself to write about what I’ve seen and felt so far, but I just can’t make my heart do it. Part of it is my laziness, but also I’ve got something else on my mind, and that’s Jesus. All I’m doing is being a tourist, but I can’t help but feel something tugging at my soul. Something that I know is Jesus showing me his love. These sights and experiences are satisfying to my Instagram feed and my camera roll, to my taste buds and to whatever it is in your body that tells you colors and architecture are pretty. But I’ve realized more than anything, now that I’ve literally got the world to distract me, that THE WORLD WAS NOT WHAT I NEEDED.

2016 has been a rough one for me. I know it has for everyone, but I really mean it. My family absolutely fell apart, and so did I on the inside. I’m still falling apart. I tried to heal myself by making school my idol, and by relying on humans, who as a rule are not perfect and cannot be relied on in such a way. I mean on the outside I had my shit together: excellent grades, hot ass mf boyfriend, and wonderful friends. I also found Jesus this year, but I kept forgetting. I kept forgetting that he is my anchor and my source of rest and hope. I kept forgetting that ONLY He can save me. My grades, boyfriend, and friends were excellent things to have, but they weren’t Jesus.They weren’t THE solution to my broken heart that I kept trying to turn them into. The devil came to me in the form of laziness and old habits, and for the first time in my life I felt myself slip into the true desperation that comes without Jesus. I compared myself over and over to others and remembered that I should love myself, but not why I should love myself. I forgot that I was made in Christ’s image, and his perfection calls me beloved. I forgot that there will always be a home for me in his love if I’ll only open the door.

I knew for a while that I was going to Europe and if I’m being honest, as the trip got closer, it became what I thought would be a means of escape. I spent my time thinking about it and planning and using it as yet another indirect means of filling the Jesus-sized hole in my heart. I thought I would find bliss in Europe. But a week in, at midnight in Munich, I’ve realized that it’s my soul that’s tired and that I didn’t need EUROPE TO FIND REST I NEEDED JESUS. Man CANNOT LIVE ON BREAD ALONE and I need to stop trying to fulfill my spiritual hunger with the physical. I need you, Jesus.

I need you

I need you

I need you

I need you

I need you

SO now that I’ve had that realization, maybe I’ll find room in my heart to write about the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre. And maybe (hopefully), Jesus will keep following me around and reminding me that even though this adventure will be magnificent, all the poetry and people and culture in the world can’t die on the cross to call me theirs. I might’ve been able to run, but I can’t hide from my own brokenness. Instead, all I can do is invite Jesus to fix it and enjoy the adventure that ensues. 

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